Hershey Kiss

So, I've been a bit "detained" the last few days which has prevented me from writing. It all started last Friday when I was once again working on my pursuit of doing everything before I die. Friday nights activity was consuming an entire bag of Hershey kisses with a 6 pack of Tequiza beer. How many people can say they've done that? Well, I can.

An hour into my bag and on my way to my second 6 pack of Tequiza, I started watching infomercials. I am always looking for new ways to improve others appearance, health and so on so I figured my time spent watching infomercials is my contribution to society. But on this particular night, according to the show I was watching I could personally benefit from a colon cleanse. Makes perfect sense to me since my TV is still blown from the last Wii episode so I purchased the colon cleanse pills which promised I'd lose weight, my skin would be more radiant, but mostly because I'd be amazed at the years of pile up compacted in my colon which would come out like a smooth sailing river.....

Three days into my cleanse I experienced the "sensation". You know, the one that gives you chills, goose bumps, and makes you squeeze your end so tight your butt resembles a pin cushion, lots of dimples and stuff. So all stiff legged and stuff....still squeezing my butt....I waddled to the bathroom and release the Mother load of my colon. I've filled some toilets in my life but this one, this master cleanses creation, was one that would put me in the book of world records. You should always inspect your poop. You never know when the Hail Mary, Jesus, or corn will be present so it's just a good habit to get into. So, I am looking at my master piece, completely awe struck because this is something of 500 pound sumo wrestlers or elephants....but nothing that would ever be associated with the likes of me when something catches me eye. There seems to be some writing on my poop. I am as close as I can get with out masking my face in my shit and I just can't make out what it says. It dawns on me-I am not wearing my glasses, ya know, I can't read shit without my glasses so I get them and go back to my master cleanse and realize that my poop says Hershey kiss! Imagine that!

I took a picture and emailed it to Hershey. I have a feeling they will be endorsing me soon then I won't be writing anymore. I have a feeling they'll pay me for a lot of shit.

A dear friend of mine sends me the following email requesting my advice on how to adress her in home mosquitoe attack:

It is 4am right now, and I am surfing for a good remedy to kill mosquitoes... anyone have one?There has been a mosquito(s) buzzing in my bedroom for the last two weeks and I can't get to sleep. They are biting me (I have mosquito welts and they are itchy) and it's definitely a mosquito buzz...I feel like it is in my hair because it won't go away. (And, no it isn't lice).So far:I've gotten up in the middle of the night and:Turned off the air conditioner, in case that was causing the buzz. That wasn’t it. Then I turned off the ceiling fan (thinking it was coming from that). Nope.Now I was not only irritated by that mosquito, but hot too. But, I wasn't going to put the air back on until I killed the mosquito.Couldn’t sleep with the buzz, so decided to take a shower to ‘rinse’ the mosquito out or drown it… Dried off and put on my p.j.’s still buzzing. Got up 10 minutes later thinking maybe I needed to “shampoo” the critter out of my hair. -- mosquito(s) are still there. I dried my hair so hard that I thought my hair would fall out. – still there. Got back to bed and then got a bright idea that I could kill that stupid insect with Vinegar. So I got back out of my PJ’s and into the shower (again) and washed my hair with Vinegar -- still there.Tried combing it out… All that accomplished was it pulled out a ton of hair that was “knotted up” from the vinegar. Still there.Put more vinegar in my hair and slept with it on -- still there.Tried washing my hair with 'Selsen Blue' (And, no I don't have dandruff) -- still there.Tried putting my hair in a shower cap(with conditioner, hey might as well do a beauty remedy treatment too) -- still there.Tried wiping down my skin with Lysol wipes (okay, so I had a few dozen extra packs of wipes and trying to get rid of them) --still there.Tried turning off every speck of light and turning on the mosquito-zapper light (from outside) and turned it on in the hallway -- still there.Went to the garage and got some citronella candles. Started those candles up in my bedroom. -- still there.Put six citronella bug-resistor bracelets on my arms, tied my hair with one, etc... -- still there.Slept in a sweater, long pants, gloves and a cowboy hat (don't ask) -- still there.... It was a long night, I was getting creative.Some people at work suggested that I have a mosquito living way down in my ear canal...Others have a theory it is buzzing in my head correlating to my fast-food diet.I personally think colonies of mosquitoes have burrowed themselves in my scalp and as they hatch (do mosquitoes come from eggs?)... And no I don't have eggs in/on my head, this is just a theory...and as they come to life, they get tangled in my hair (yes, I do comb my hair, it just snarls easily).I hung some DEET 'deep-woods off' wipes on my headboard by my pillow, but all it did was it took the silver finish off my furniture. Then I read the package and it said, "Do not use inside. Use in a well-ventilated area." (oops!) And I spent another hour washing everything it touched, turning the fan on and windows open, changing the sheets.... I was close to shaving ALL the hair off my head... But, snapped out of it when I realized what I was thinking.I actually still hear the mosquito now, in my hair (yes, I did take a shower and wash my hair this morning).... or it could just be one of the computer servers buzzing and I am hyper-sensitive (they say really intelligent people are hyper-sensitive to sounds).Anyway, I just sprayed Lysol in my hair because the sanitizing gel I used on my head earlier in the day did not work... and it was either use that or use dry-erase marker remover spray --- but, if I used that, people might think I am weird or something.

My Reply:

Good Lord, Ann! I don't know where to begin....

At first, I thought you had gotten your hands on one of my college journals and you were making me relive the night a massive dragon fly was chasing me though the woods and my living room carpet became a forest. People were talking to me through the A/C vent and the walls were moving... I ripped the vents out of the ceiling in search of the voices but never found them. I later understood that the mushrooms on my pizza were not your average grocery store mushrooms...but some kind of drug.

Guess what I am saying is I can relate. I am often startled awake in the middle of the night by a buzzard knocking on my window...I think he wants to mate with me but I am saving myself for a janitor that I often see in my dreams....

You mention wiping your body with Lysol wipes; I bathed in them at 20 when I discovered my first husband was actually my brother. I should have known that we had a little too much in common...

Anyway, I am very convinced that my Lysol episode is how I developed such serious swamp conditions though out my body...I burned my damn neuro-receptors right off.

If you still suffer from a buzzing noise, I suggest you try Gold Bond--it works wonders on all my aliments or I have the number to a really good shrink.
Good luck!

Desert Monkey

Checking in with friends

Soooo, I was gonna call my closest friend Jodi Friday night because I was feeling very social, talkative and friendly after having a few cocktails on an empty stomach. What I really wanted/needed was to invite myself over so that I could hang upside down on her husbands back board do-hicky thing because I’ve been experiencing some tremendous lower back pain likely a result of the 26 pound tumor on my hip but then I reminded myself how much I hate it when people only call me when they want something and I wasn’t really coherent enough to have an intelligent conversation anyway so having the medical expertise that I do I tried to hang from a palm tree in my back yard but they don’t have branches –least nothing sufficient enough to hold my 140+ pound frame so I toppled over into the wheel barrow where I created a second crack in my ass. As if I didn’t have enough sweating in one, now I’ve got two fricken cracks to deal with…..
So, anyway, I was gonna call Jodi on Saturday because after watching 5 hours of the weather channel I was inspired to make hurricanes. Couldn’t really find the recipe for the hurricane but settled for stuff I found under “tropical” in my bar bible. Peach Schnaps, Vodka, pineapple juice and cranberry juice is one hell of a drink….anyway, I called it a hurricane. Shit, I even managed to flood my pants while trying to unclog the toilet! Obviously, I was suffering some serious post Friday night drinking gastrointestinal malfunction. Not pretty with my second inherited ass crack…..Anyway….where was I? Oh, toilet, well, I did my business, jumped on the scale and noticed I still haven’t lost any of the added fat accumulated during my Caribbean vacation so I pulled out the wii fit for some good ol’ HD TV surround sound exercise. But before starting I thought I should smoke so I was out on the patio huffing, puffing having a great time….thought I should call Jodi to come drink…couldn’t find my phone…..saw the wii while looking for my phone and started running in place. I forgot I wasn’t wearing a bra-now I’ve got boobs to my knees, bras aren’t helping so I went on ebay yesterday and purchased some extra long tube socks….After thinking about this sober I think I’ll run to walmart and get some tube socks with nonskid traction-the way my boobs are right now I should have another baby, lactate, then get the XXL tube socks with built in toes! Ah, then I’ll open my own dairy….no, a coffee shop would be better….fresh cream….Anyway….Where was I?
Oh yeah, the wii, I am still a bit unstable on my left side since I broke a blood vessel on the tip of my big toe on 8/9 and my knee is a bit shaky still since Bodia’s (my son) fast ball fractured my knee cap on 8/10 but at least I am off the crutches. Ok, so, I am unstable, drinking and wii-ing myself (literally, since having 4 kids man, I got a little dribble problem) when the damn numb chuck or what- ever its called slips from my swamp slide hands and knocks the picture frames off the TV, they fall behind the TV and must have shorted something because my TV isn’t working. Now I don’t have a TV so no entertainment, again I think I should call Jodi but I am immediately distracted by the smoke out my window and notice the planter I used for an ash tray is on fire. I got scared, real scared because my husband already spoke with me about the cigarette butts in the palm tree so I threw the only liquid available on the tree which was my hurricane and OMG I created my own Micro-Burst! Guess I confused the vodka with Bacardi. Anyway, I didn’t know I was capable of creating atomic explosives at moment notice so I am applying with Mad Scientist this afternoon. They asked for a demonstration so I am thinking I’ll surprise them with some sort of explosion from my double crack. Ok, digressed again….where was I? Don’t remember but anyway, lets just say that my forecast inspired tropical hurricane drink left me really under the weather on Sunday and I was in no mood to drink and still couldn’t locate my phone.
Yesterday, I got written up by the day care for being 24 min. late in picking up Bodia & Cracker. I thought of calling Jodi at 5:50pm but since I haven’t even called to say “hi” I didn’t think it would be taken well for me to call and say, “Can you get my kids”. I’ve never once been late picking up my kids so this experience and going home with my written “Warning” was really upsetting. I still couldn’t find my phone to call anyone to see if they’d like to join me in a drink so I started mixing and drinking on an empty stomach. At about 10:30ish last night I found my damn phone in the wheel barrow. I assume I lost it Friday during the palm tree trapeze act. I was a little too drunk to mix my own drinks so again I thought of Jodi and fully equipped now with phone in hand I dialed what I thought was Jodi but was actually JO-MY BOSS and I said, I am drunk….ya wanna come over and mix me some drinks? Serious stuff, ladies! So, to sum it all up, I anticipate unemployment by the end of the day which is why I’ve arranged for the interview with Mad Scientist. I also want to take this opportunity to say “hi” “how is everyone doing” and with that said. How about we get together for some ladies drinks?

Desert Monkey

Waxing & drinking

Need some help and since I've had a few too many drinks this evening I am not opposed to seeking advice on a very private issue (private is an understatement)....


....does anyone have advice on waxing the ol woman area?......

Thank God this computer has spell check - I think I have learned a different language this evening based on my spelling....

Ok, back to the waxing stuff. So, it is less than 2 days from my vacation and I have been so busy that I haven't found time to go have this done (I've never had it done but I figured that since I don't do a good job shaving....have a hard time deciphering where it should start and stop....if you know what I mean) Where was I? Oh yeah, since I often confusing shaving with bush sculpting I thought I would go for a professional wax but since I haven't had time for that I bought this home kit and after a few drinks I am scared to death of this wax stuff.

If I smoke while waxing will it catch fire?

It looks like it could hurt..... I think I may need a few more drinks before I head upstairs for this self mutilation thing or craft project. Not sure what is going to happen but I am envisioning 3rd degree burns, my skin stretching to limits I never knew possible while removing the wax and possibly a bald rabbit (I don't know what the hell that is but it sure sounds good)

Has anyone ever mixed chocolate milk and vodka? Its pretty tasty once you get past the coagulants....

Alright, I just had a thought. If I just butcher the hell out of this wax job - bald is better than a bad "hair do", right? I mean, no ones gonna look at it but me.....except if I get in an accident or something then God forbid the ambulance people cut my undies off and OH MY GOD....they wouldn't resuscitate me because they would think I was a.....well,....never mind...

Well, I think I'll sit here a bit longer sippin my purple chonga (I believe that is my drink) and wait for someone to reply. If no one does....and I don't fall asleep....then I'll head up to my bathroom....no, Kruger is in my room....I'll head to the garage with the dogs water bowl and start grooming....

I really wish my husband would give me some insight on this matter but at the present time he is tending to his hemorrhoids in the bathroom....he's been in there a while.....

Wish me luck.