Soooo, I was gonna call my closest friend Jodi Friday night because I was feeling very social, talkative and friendly after having a few cocktails on an empty stomach. What I really wanted/needed was to invite myself over so that I could hang upside down on her husbands back board do-hicky thing because I’ve been experiencing some tremendous lower back pain likely a result of the 26 pound tumor on my hip but then I reminded myself how much I hate it when people only call me when they want something and I wasn’t really coherent enough to have an intelligent conversation anyway so having the medical expertise that I do I tried to hang from a palm tree in my back yard but they don’t have branches –least nothing sufficient enough to hold my 140+ pound frame so I toppled over into the wheel barrow where I created a second crack in my ass. As if I didn’t have enough sweating in one, now I’ve got two fricken cracks to deal with…..
So, anyway, I was gonna call Jodi on Saturday because after watching 5 hours of the weather channel I was inspired to make hurricanes. Couldn’t really find the recipe for the hurricane but settled for stuff I found under “tropical” in my bar bible. Peach Schnaps, Vodka, pineapple juice and cranberry juice is one hell of a drink….anyway, I called it a hurricane. Shit, I even managed to flood my pants while trying to unclog the toilet! Obviously, I was suffering some serious post Friday night drinking gastrointestinal malfunction. Not pretty with my second inherited ass crack…..Anyway….where was I? Oh, toilet, well, I did my business, jumped on the scale and noticed I still haven’t lost any of the added fat accumulated during my Caribbean vacation so I pulled out the wii fit for some good ol’ HD TV surround sound exercise. But before starting I thought I should smoke so I was out on the patio huffing, puffing having a great time….thought I should call Jodi to come drink…couldn’t find my phone…..saw the wii while looking for my phone and started running in place. I forgot I wasn’t wearing a bra-now I’ve got boobs to my knees, bras aren’t helping so I went on ebay yesterday and purchased some extra long tube socks….After thinking about this sober I think I’ll run to walmart and get some tube socks with nonskid traction-the way my boobs are right now I should have another baby, lactate, then get the XXL tube socks with built in toes! Ah, then I’ll open my own dairy….no, a coffee shop would be better….fresh cream….Anyway….Where was I?
Oh yeah, the wii, I am still a bit unstable on my left side since I broke a blood vessel on the tip of my big toe on 8/9 and my knee is a bit shaky still since Bodia’s (my son) fast ball fractured my knee cap on 8/10 but at least I am off the crutches. Ok, so, I am unstable, drinking and wii-ing myself (literally, since having 4 kids man, I got a little dribble problem) when the damn numb chuck or what- ever its called slips from my swamp slide hands and knocks the picture frames off the TV, they fall behind the TV and must have shorted something because my TV isn’t working. Now I don’t have a TV so no entertainment, again I think I should call Jodi but I am immediately distracted by the smoke out my window and notice the planter I used for an ash tray is on fire. I got scared, real scared because my husband already spoke with me about the cigarette butts in the palm tree so I threw the only liquid available on the tree which was my hurricane and OMG I created my own Micro-Burst! Guess I confused the vodka with Bacardi. Anyway, I didn’t know I was capable of creating atomic explosives at moment notice so I am applying with Mad Scientist this afternoon. They asked for a demonstration so I am thinking I’ll surprise them with some sort of explosion from my double crack. Ok, digressed again….where was I? Don’t remember but anyway, lets just say that my forecast inspired tropical hurricane drink left me really under the weather on Sunday and I was in no mood to drink and still couldn’t locate my phone.
Yesterday, I got written up by the day care for being 24 min. late in picking up Bodia & Cracker. I thought of calling Jodi at 5:50pm but since I haven’t even called to say “hi” I didn’t think it would be taken well for me to call and say, “Can you get my kids”. I’ve never once been late picking up my kids so this experience and going home with my written “Warning” was really upsetting. I still couldn’t find my phone to call anyone to see if they’d like to join me in a drink so I started mixing and drinking on an empty stomach. At about 10:30ish last night I found my damn phone in the wheel barrow. I assume I lost it Friday during the palm tree trapeze act. I was a little too drunk to mix my own drinks so again I thought of Jodi and fully equipped now with phone in hand I dialed what I thought was Jodi but was actually JO-MY BOSS and I said, I am drunk….ya wanna come over and mix me some drinks? Serious stuff, ladies! So, to sum it all up, I anticipate unemployment by the end of the day which is why I’ve arranged for the interview with Mad Scientist. I also want to take this opportunity to say “hi” “how is everyone doing” and with that said. How about we get together for some ladies drinks?
So, anyway, I was gonna call Jodi on Saturday because after watching 5 hours of the weather channel I was inspired to make hurricanes. Couldn’t really find the recipe for the hurricane but settled for stuff I found under “tropical” in my bar bible. Peach Schnaps, Vodka, pineapple juice and cranberry juice is one hell of a drink….anyway, I called it a hurricane. Shit, I even managed to flood my pants while trying to unclog the toilet! Obviously, I was suffering some serious post Friday night drinking gastrointestinal malfunction. Not pretty with my second inherited ass crack…..Anyway….where was I? Oh, toilet, well, I did my business, jumped on the scale and noticed I still haven’t lost any of the added fat accumulated during my Caribbean vacation so I pulled out the wii fit for some good ol’ HD TV surround sound exercise. But before starting I thought I should smoke so I was out on the patio huffing, puffing having a great time….thought I should call Jodi to come drink…couldn’t find my phone…..saw the wii while looking for my phone and started running in place. I forgot I wasn’t wearing a bra-now I’ve got boobs to my knees, bras aren’t helping so I went on ebay yesterday and purchased some extra long tube socks….After thinking about this sober I think I’ll run to walmart and get some tube socks with nonskid traction-the way my boobs are right now I should have another baby, lactate, then get the XXL tube socks with built in toes! Ah, then I’ll open my own dairy….no, a coffee shop would be better….fresh cream….Anyway….Where was I?
Oh yeah, the wii, I am still a bit unstable on my left side since I broke a blood vessel on the tip of my big toe on 8/9 and my knee is a bit shaky still since Bodia’s (my son) fast ball fractured my knee cap on 8/10 but at least I am off the crutches. Ok, so, I am unstable, drinking and wii-ing myself (literally, since having 4 kids man, I got a little dribble problem) when the damn numb chuck or what- ever its called slips from my swamp slide hands and knocks the picture frames off the TV, they fall behind the TV and must have shorted something because my TV isn’t working. Now I don’t have a TV so no entertainment, again I think I should call Jodi but I am immediately distracted by the smoke out my window and notice the planter I used for an ash tray is on fire. I got scared, real scared because my husband already spoke with me about the cigarette butts in the palm tree so I threw the only liquid available on the tree which was my hurricane and OMG I created my own Micro-Burst! Guess I confused the vodka with Bacardi. Anyway, I didn’t know I was capable of creating atomic explosives at moment notice so I am applying with Mad Scientist this afternoon. They asked for a demonstration so I am thinking I’ll surprise them with some sort of explosion from my double crack. Ok, digressed again….where was I? Don’t remember but anyway, lets just say that my forecast inspired tropical hurricane drink left me really under the weather on Sunday and I was in no mood to drink and still couldn’t locate my phone.
Yesterday, I got written up by the day care for being 24 min. late in picking up Bodia & Cracker. I thought of calling Jodi at 5:50pm but since I haven’t even called to say “hi” I didn’t think it would be taken well for me to call and say, “Can you get my kids”. I’ve never once been late picking up my kids so this experience and going home with my written “Warning” was really upsetting. I still couldn’t find my phone to call anyone to see if they’d like to join me in a drink so I started mixing and drinking on an empty stomach. At about 10:30ish last night I found my damn phone in the wheel barrow. I assume I lost it Friday during the palm tree trapeze act. I was a little too drunk to mix my own drinks so again I thought of Jodi and fully equipped now with phone in hand I dialed what I thought was Jodi but was actually JO-MY BOSS and I said, I am drunk….ya wanna come over and mix me some drinks? Serious stuff, ladies! So, to sum it all up, I anticipate unemployment by the end of the day which is why I’ve arranged for the interview with Mad Scientist. I also want to take this opportunity to say “hi” “how is everyone doing” and with that said. How about we get together for some ladies drinks?
Desert Monkey
Posts
