A dear friend of mine sends me the following email requesting my advice on how to adress her in home mosquitoe attack:

It is 4am right now, and I am surfing for a good remedy to kill mosquitoes... anyone have one?There has been a mosquito(s) buzzing in my bedroom for the last two weeks and I can't get to sleep. They are biting me (I have mosquito welts and they are itchy) and it's definitely a mosquito buzz...I feel like it is in my hair because it won't go away. (And, no it isn't lice).So far:I've gotten up in the middle of the night and:Turned off the air conditioner, in case that was causing the buzz. That wasn’t it. Then I turned off the ceiling fan (thinking it was coming from that). Nope.Now I was not only irritated by that mosquito, but hot too. But, I wasn't going to put the air back on until I killed the mosquito.Couldn’t sleep with the buzz, so decided to take a shower to ‘rinse’ the mosquito out or drown it… Dried off and put on my p.j.’s still buzzing. Got up 10 minutes later thinking maybe I needed to “shampoo” the critter out of my hair. -- mosquito(s) are still there. I dried my hair so hard that I thought my hair would fall out. – still there. Got back to bed and then got a bright idea that I could kill that stupid insect with Vinegar. So I got back out of my PJ’s and into the shower (again) and washed my hair with Vinegar -- still there.Tried combing it out… All that accomplished was it pulled out a ton of hair that was “knotted up” from the vinegar. Still there.Put more vinegar in my hair and slept with it on -- still there.Tried washing my hair with 'Selsen Blue' (And, no I don't have dandruff) -- still there.Tried putting my hair in a shower cap(with conditioner, hey might as well do a beauty remedy treatment too) -- still there.Tried wiping down my skin with Lysol wipes (okay, so I had a few dozen extra packs of wipes and trying to get rid of them) --still there.Tried turning off every speck of light and turning on the mosquito-zapper light (from outside) and turned it on in the hallway -- still there.Went to the garage and got some citronella candles. Started those candles up in my bedroom. -- still there.Put six citronella bug-resistor bracelets on my arms, tied my hair with one, etc... -- still there.Slept in a sweater, long pants, gloves and a cowboy hat (don't ask) -- still there.... It was a long night, I was getting creative.Some people at work suggested that I have a mosquito living way down in my ear canal...Others have a theory it is buzzing in my head correlating to my fast-food diet.I personally think colonies of mosquitoes have burrowed themselves in my scalp and as they hatch (do mosquitoes come from eggs?)... And no I don't have eggs in/on my head, this is just a theory...and as they come to life, they get tangled in my hair (yes, I do comb my hair, it just snarls easily).I hung some DEET 'deep-woods off' wipes on my headboard by my pillow, but all it did was it took the silver finish off my furniture. Then I read the package and it said, "Do not use inside. Use in a well-ventilated area." (oops!) And I spent another hour washing everything it touched, turning the fan on and windows open, changing the sheets.... I was close to shaving ALL the hair off my head... But, snapped out of it when I realized what I was thinking.I actually still hear the mosquito now, in my hair (yes, I did take a shower and wash my hair this morning).... or it could just be one of the computer servers buzzing and I am hyper-sensitive (they say really intelligent people are hyper-sensitive to sounds).Anyway, I just sprayed Lysol in my hair because the sanitizing gel I used on my head earlier in the day did not work... and it was either use that or use dry-erase marker remover spray --- but, if I used that, people might think I am weird or something.

My Reply:

Good Lord, Ann! I don't know where to begin....

At first, I thought you had gotten your hands on one of my college journals and you were making me relive the night a massive dragon fly was chasing me though the woods and my living room carpet became a forest. People were talking to me through the A/C vent and the walls were moving... I ripped the vents out of the ceiling in search of the voices but never found them. I later understood that the mushrooms on my pizza were not your average grocery store mushrooms...but some kind of drug.

Guess what I am saying is I can relate. I am often startled awake in the middle of the night by a buzzard knocking on my window...I think he wants to mate with me but I am saving myself for a janitor that I often see in my dreams....

You mention wiping your body with Lysol wipes; I bathed in them at 20 when I discovered my first husband was actually my brother. I should have known that we had a little too much in common...

Anyway, I am very convinced that my Lysol episode is how I developed such serious swamp conditions though out my body...I burned my damn neuro-receptors right off.

If you still suffer from a buzzing noise, I suggest you try Gold Bond--it works wonders on all my aliments or I have the number to a really good shrink.
Good luck!

Desert Monkey